2013-02-20 - Day 1

Have you ever felt like you are falling into an endless pit? Is your thin twin struggling to get out from under all the layers of fat covering it? Have you tried diet after diet after diet and every night went the house is quiet and everyone is asleep you start your binge... Everything you can lay your hands on.... or for that matter, sink you teeth into... You don't have to be hungry or even like what you eat, you just HAVE to eat....

When I am happy I want to celebrate, I eat.....
When I am sad, I eat.....
When I look in the mirror and I feel disgusted with myself, I eat.....
When I fight with my husband, I eat.....
When I have a problem at work, I eat.....

I don't want to go out because I don't want people to see how fat I am.....
I don't want to talk to anyone.....
I don't want to see anyone.....
And the more I ignore all the people in my life the more I eat...

I blame bad things that happen in my life for being fat.... I have gotten myself in such a rut that I have no idea how I am ever going to get out of it....

Is this any different that being addicted to alcohol or drugs or gambling? I am killing myself one bite at a time. Obesity is more obvious that the others because people see what you are doing to yourself.... Everyone tells you what you should or should not do so in the end you are all alone.... Only the few die-hard friends remain.... The rest really don't care enough to stick around....

Well, TODAY is the day to change..... Now, right this moment!!! I have no idea how this will work.... Like I said before, I have tried every diet in the book and I know exactly what I need to do but how am I going do it or stick with it I have absolutely no idea...

Writing in my "journal" has gotten me through another very tough time in my life so I am going to try talking to myself every night - the time that I would normally spend thinking of what else I can eat....

I don't need advice, I don't need books, I don't need diets.... I need to find discipline in my life and I need to fight to get back the willpower that I lost somewhere along the way, when I looked away and let life happen.

The first thing that I have to admit to myself is:

THIS IS MY FAULT, NOT MY HUSBAND's FOR BEING ABLE TO EAT WHAT HE WANTS, NOT THE PEOPLE CLOSE TO ME THAT DIED, NOT THE FACT THAT I TRAVEL FOR A LIVING, NOT THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO SOMETIMES COOK FOR OTHER PEOPLE, NOT THE PEOPLE THAT LET ME DOWN..... IT IS ALL JUST ME....

With prayer and perseverance I am going to conquer this mountain - one step at a time!!