2013-03-01 - Day 10

Today is the day..... I took the first step..... I knew that it was bad but I had no idea how bad it was..... I went to see someone so they can help me stay on tract....

I took the first step.... I made my appointment, I showed up, I bought the food.... and I listened very carefully and I knew that this time will be different.... When i lose the weight I will do a few things that I have not done for a very long time:

- look in the mirror and not be embarrassed...
- make my family proud
- control my blood pressure without medication
- get rid of my sleep apnea
- go to the beach and wear a bathing suit
- fit into the clothes that made me feel good and that has not fit me in years
- stop hiding from the world.....
- stop looking in from the outside....
- open the door and step inside - not be afraid to join the party!

These are just some of the reasons that I am going to stick to this diet. I am counting the days now.... Two more days before I start........

2013-02-28 - Day 9

I walked onto the plane tonight and it felt like everyone was looking at me.... Everyone was judging me.... "Wow look at her, look how fat she is....." I walked off the plane once we landed and I had to go stand in line to wait for my bag.... Same thing.... There was someone standing across from me and it felt like I had to make myself small to let people pass..... Is everyone looking at me again? When I walked out of the jetway, I didn't look up, I just keep walking to get out of there..... I just wanted to get to the car so that people can stop looking....

My husband once said to me: "What makes you so special that you think everyone is looking at you?" That sounds like an insult but he actually meant that I should stop worrying about the fact that I think everyone is looking at me....

Once we got home I wanted to tell him that I want to start this diet sometime over the weekend but at the last minute I stopped myself and did not say anything. He is so used to me starting and stopping that I just know what his reaction is going to be.... I so badly want him to believe in me. I so badly want him to support me, to help me. It is almost harder to tell him what I want to do then what it is to do it..... He is so used to me just giving up.

Maybe I just need to get everything and start on Monday when I am at work for the week...... He will no even know that I started. Maybe I need to have one successful week, go weigh in and then tell him how I did my first week......

I need to set myself up for success....
I need to believe that I can do this......
I need to believe in myself!

2013-02-27 - Day 8

Have you ever gotten onto a plane and prayed the entire way to your seat that the person next to you would be small and skinny? Well, I fly every week for work and I wish that every time I fly.... I always think to myself: "Why are they making the seats smaller and smaller?"

Not so long ago, I realized that it was not the seats getting smaller, it was me getting bigger.... and bigger.... and bigger.....

It is embarrassing to say the least. Do you know why it is embarrassing? Because I am totally capable of walking, running, eating heathy.... These are all choices.... Choices for us to eat an apple and not a chocolate. Eat salad and not a hamburger. The saddest of all is the fact that I love salads, I love fruit and I love vegetables. Why is it that I choose everything hat is bad for me?

And then there is the late night snack..... I will do anything to get that last snack in late at night.... I wait until everyone is asleep and then I start eating.... Like they won't realize that I have put on a "few" pounds....

Why is it that we do this to ourselves? Everyone has an opinion about this and everyone with an opinion has a book that tells you what to do....

There is the food pyramid, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and who knows what else. The bottom line is, I know exactly what I need to do and I give such good advice to everyone around me, but I never follow my own advice.

This needs to stop now. I have a plan and hopefully this time I will stick to it.

In the end, nothing tastes as good as thin feels!!!

2013-02-26 - Day 7

I know that I said I was not going to write until later this week but I feel very inspired. I have a friend that is very ill in hospital at the moment and last night I prayed that she will not need surgery.... Now I know that there are many people praying but today I found out that she does not need surgery (as far as they can determine today). They still don't know exactly what is wrong with her but I will keep praying for her.....

She has been there for me through an extremely difficult time in my life and even though there was nothing specific that she could do about my problem, she was always there for me. She is such an amazing person, caring, loving and sweet. I pray tonight that she gets better soon and I ask that anyone reading this please say a special prayer for her.

I am so ready to start with my diet, I actually look forward to it. This week is my last bad habit week. If nothing else, I am mentally preparing my self for this diet or should I say, lifestyle change.

Let me think about this, if I go on a diet I lose weight, so
- My clothes that I have not warned in a while will fit
- I can stop using my blood pressure medication
- I will be able to control my hot flushes
- My feet will stop hurting
- I won't be at risk for heart disease
- I won't be winded walking up one flight of stairs
- I will feel better about myself

Those are only a few of the benefits. What do I have to lose? I will stop being angry with myself and in effect angry with the world. It is not the world that forced me to eat, it was all me. I did not get fat in one day so I cannot expect to get thin in one day. I know what I need to weigh so I am going to focus on one week at a time. All I need to do is to ensure that I follow the diet one step at a time.... They always say - look at the big picture - but in this case I believe that I should have only one goal - make sure that I lose and not gain weight every week. Looking at the big picture for weight loss can be very discouraging.

Believe in yourself!!

More importantly, don't do this alone. Ceate a support network and remember that the most important support that you can have is God.... God will give you the strength - all you need to do is ask..... You will be amazed by the power of prayer!!

2013-02-25 - Day 6

Today I did everything I could possibly do wrong, I ate everything that I saw and yet today was a great day....

I am going to start a new diet.... Everyone that is anyone is going to say: "yeah right, so how is that working for you?" And they will be right, I am not good at that, I start things and never follow through. Just once I would like for one person to believe in me. I found that person, and no, it is not my friend, it is me. I need to believe in me. I need to believe that I can do it!!

...It will help to have her on my side because she is dong so well - that is always an inspiration...... it helps to talk to someone that actually knows what you are talking about, knows your struggles, knows what to say when you are having a bad day because she has been there. This is the same friend that was over for dinner last night with her family...

Well, this is it for tonight.... I have a few more days before the diet starts because I will only be home on Friday.... I am going to continue on the first day I start the diet.....

Until then....

2013-02-24 - Day 5

Today was amazing.... Nothing to do with food..... Of course... Nothing changed on that front...... Still as bad as can be but with one exception.... I did not sit down for one minute.... Eating bad is one thing but doing that with no physical activity is even worse....

We had friends over for dinner tonight.... Long story but we sometimes makes mistakes and say things in the spur of the moment that we regret for the rest of our lives......there is no going back..... BUT, sometimes in life, you get second chances and trust me, when you get it, you need to grab it with both hands and thank God for it.....

It takes special people to give you that opportunity and you need to see that for what it is.... A gift, something really special.... Make the best of it and appreciate it.... these people were a very big and very important part of our lives when we really needed support.... They went above and beyond in so many ways.... And because of me, we lost that....

We are working things out and I really hope that we can be back what we lost.... A this point I still don't believe that I deserve this - another one of my issues....

The reason why I am even mentioning then is that they are on a diet and have lost an amazing amount of weight.... They look so good and they are an inspiration for all.... And trust me, it is as hard for them as for the rest of us..... They are there for each other and they support each other and it takes so much willpower. I am very proud of them and they enspire me to want to be good also..... All I need to do is ask..... And I know that they will help... That is just the kind of people that they are...

Now, I have to ask everyone else, I have not asked for help because I am afraid that I will fail AGAIN.... As bad as I want this, how do I get my mind to cooperate with me?

The people close to me certainly does not believe in me... That much I do know..... They know that I will fail so I have kind of given up on myself also.... How do I get that willpower back? How do I stick to a diet? How do I get myself to the gym? How do I start believing in myself again?

Maybe,
Just maybe,
There is still one person that believes in me somewhere out there.......

2013-02-23 - Day 4

I am not really in the mood for writing today.... I started cleaning my house today - if I do a good job it takes me at least two days.... Now I have to admit that I am obsessive compulsive, so everything has to be done a certain way.... Yes, you guessed it, I am by no means perfect but I want things to be done my way.... Another one of my things... :-)

Until tomorrow then....