2013-03-01 - Day 10

Today is the day..... I took the first step..... I knew that it was bad but I had no idea how bad it was..... I went to see someone so they can help me stay on tract....

I took the first step.... I made my appointment, I showed up, I bought the food.... and I listened very carefully and I knew that this time will be different.... When i lose the weight I will do a few things that I have not done for a very long time:

- look in the mirror and not be embarrassed...
- make my family proud
- control my blood pressure without medication
- get rid of my sleep apnea
- go to the beach and wear a bathing suit
- fit into the clothes that made me feel good and that has not fit me in years
- stop hiding from the world.....
- stop looking in from the outside....
- open the door and step inside - not be afraid to join the party!

These are just some of the reasons that I am going to stick to this diet. I am counting the days now.... Two more days before I start........

2013-02-28 - Day 9

I walked onto the plane tonight and it felt like everyone was looking at me.... Everyone was judging me.... "Wow look at her, look how fat she is....." I walked off the plane once we landed and I had to go stand in line to wait for my bag.... Same thing.... There was someone standing across from me and it felt like I had to make myself small to let people pass..... Is everyone looking at me again? When I walked out of the jetway, I didn't look up, I just keep walking to get out of there..... I just wanted to get to the car so that people can stop looking....

My husband once said to me: "What makes you so special that you think everyone is looking at you?" That sounds like an insult but he actually meant that I should stop worrying about the fact that I think everyone is looking at me....

Once we got home I wanted to tell him that I want to start this diet sometime over the weekend but at the last minute I stopped myself and did not say anything. He is so used to me starting and stopping that I just know what his reaction is going to be.... I so badly want him to believe in me. I so badly want him to support me, to help me. It is almost harder to tell him what I want to do then what it is to do it..... He is so used to me just giving up.

Maybe I just need to get everything and start on Monday when I am at work for the week...... He will no even know that I started. Maybe I need to have one successful week, go weigh in and then tell him how I did my first week......

I need to set myself up for success....
I need to believe that I can do this......
I need to believe in myself!

2013-02-27 - Day 8

Have you ever gotten onto a plane and prayed the entire way to your seat that the person next to you would be small and skinny? Well, I fly every week for work and I wish that every time I fly.... I always think to myself: "Why are they making the seats smaller and smaller?"

Not so long ago, I realized that it was not the seats getting smaller, it was me getting bigger.... and bigger.... and bigger.....

It is embarrassing to say the least. Do you know why it is embarrassing? Because I am totally capable of walking, running, eating heathy.... These are all choices.... Choices for us to eat an apple and not a chocolate. Eat salad and not a hamburger. The saddest of all is the fact that I love salads, I love fruit and I love vegetables. Why is it that I choose everything hat is bad for me?

And then there is the late night snack..... I will do anything to get that last snack in late at night.... I wait until everyone is asleep and then I start eating.... Like they won't realize that I have put on a "few" pounds....

Why is it that we do this to ourselves? Everyone has an opinion about this and everyone with an opinion has a book that tells you what to do....

There is the food pyramid, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and who knows what else. The bottom line is, I know exactly what I need to do and I give such good advice to everyone around me, but I never follow my own advice.

This needs to stop now. I have a plan and hopefully this time I will stick to it.

In the end, nothing tastes as good as thin feels!!!

2013-02-26 - Day 7

I know that I said I was not going to write until later this week but I feel very inspired. I have a friend that is very ill in hospital at the moment and last night I prayed that she will not need surgery.... Now I know that there are many people praying but today I found out that she does not need surgery (as far as they can determine today). They still don't know exactly what is wrong with her but I will keep praying for her.....

She has been there for me through an extremely difficult time in my life and even though there was nothing specific that she could do about my problem, she was always there for me. She is such an amazing person, caring, loving and sweet. I pray tonight that she gets better soon and I ask that anyone reading this please say a special prayer for her.

I am so ready to start with my diet, I actually look forward to it. This week is my last bad habit week. If nothing else, I am mentally preparing my self for this diet or should I say, lifestyle change.

Let me think about this, if I go on a diet I lose weight, so
- My clothes that I have not warned in a while will fit
- I can stop using my blood pressure medication
- I will be able to control my hot flushes
- My feet will stop hurting
- I won't be at risk for heart disease
- I won't be winded walking up one flight of stairs
- I will feel better about myself

Those are only a few of the benefits. What do I have to lose? I will stop being angry with myself and in effect angry with the world. It is not the world that forced me to eat, it was all me. I did not get fat in one day so I cannot expect to get thin in one day. I know what I need to weigh so I am going to focus on one week at a time. All I need to do is to ensure that I follow the diet one step at a time.... They always say - look at the big picture - but in this case I believe that I should have only one goal - make sure that I lose and not gain weight every week. Looking at the big picture for weight loss can be very discouraging.

Believe in yourself!!

More importantly, don't do this alone. Ceate a support network and remember that the most important support that you can have is God.... God will give you the strength - all you need to do is ask..... You will be amazed by the power of prayer!!

2013-02-25 - Day 6

Today I did everything I could possibly do wrong, I ate everything that I saw and yet today was a great day....

I am going to start a new diet.... Everyone that is anyone is going to say: "yeah right, so how is that working for you?" And they will be right, I am not good at that, I start things and never follow through. Just once I would like for one person to believe in me. I found that person, and no, it is not my friend, it is me. I need to believe in me. I need to believe that I can do it!!

...It will help to have her on my side because she is dong so well - that is always an inspiration...... it helps to talk to someone that actually knows what you are talking about, knows your struggles, knows what to say when you are having a bad day because she has been there. This is the same friend that was over for dinner last night with her family...

Well, this is it for tonight.... I have a few more days before the diet starts because I will only be home on Friday.... I am going to continue on the first day I start the diet.....

Until then....

2013-02-24 - Day 5

Today was amazing.... Nothing to do with food..... Of course... Nothing changed on that front...... Still as bad as can be but with one exception.... I did not sit down for one minute.... Eating bad is one thing but doing that with no physical activity is even worse....

We had friends over for dinner tonight.... Long story but we sometimes makes mistakes and say things in the spur of the moment that we regret for the rest of our lives......there is no going back..... BUT, sometimes in life, you get second chances and trust me, when you get it, you need to grab it with both hands and thank God for it.....

It takes special people to give you that opportunity and you need to see that for what it is.... A gift, something really special.... Make the best of it and appreciate it.... these people were a very big and very important part of our lives when we really needed support.... They went above and beyond in so many ways.... And because of me, we lost that....

We are working things out and I really hope that we can be back what we lost.... A this point I still don't believe that I deserve this - another one of my issues....

The reason why I am even mentioning then is that they are on a diet and have lost an amazing amount of weight.... They look so good and they are an inspiration for all.... And trust me, it is as hard for them as for the rest of us..... They are there for each other and they support each other and it takes so much willpower. I am very proud of them and they enspire me to want to be good also..... All I need to do is ask..... And I know that they will help... That is just the kind of people that they are...

Now, I have to ask everyone else, I have not asked for help because I am afraid that I will fail AGAIN.... As bad as I want this, how do I get my mind to cooperate with me?

The people close to me certainly does not believe in me... That much I do know..... They know that I will fail so I have kind of given up on myself also.... How do I get that willpower back? How do I stick to a diet? How do I get myself to the gym? How do I start believing in myself again?

Maybe,
Just maybe,
There is still one person that believes in me somewhere out there.......

2013-02-23 - Day 4

I am not really in the mood for writing today.... I started cleaning my house today - if I do a good job it takes me at least two days.... Now I have to admit that I am obsessive compulsive, so everything has to be done a certain way.... Yes, you guessed it, I am by no means perfect but I want things to be done my way.... Another one of my things... :-)

Until tomorrow then....

2013-02-22 - Day 3

Tell me, does this sound familiar to you:
1) I wake up in the morning and take a shower
2) I have a very sensible breakfast
3) I have my healthy snack
4) I eat a healthy lunch
5) I eat everything else that is left in the house and then i go sleep.....

i did so good..... until about 5pm... The same as every other day..... Starts good - ends bad....

I think the most important thing here is to never give up.... If first you don't succeed, try and try again..... People that want to quit smoking hardly ever makes it the first time BUT if they really want to do it they keep trying...

Tomorrow I am going to wake up, plan my food for the day and see what happens. I am going to plan it to the finest detail.... Even the water I am going to drink.... I am almost positive that if I plan right I have to do better..... Dr Oz once said that you should only make food decisions after lunch... The rest of your day should be a no-brainer.... You should know what you are going no eat before then.... So I think planning is very important.... Well, we'll see if this is any better....

Wish me luck... I will report back tomorrow night and who know's, I may just have my first successful day in years....

2013-02-21 - Day 2

I was so positive last night - I thought: "today is going to be the day"... Well it was not......

I spoke to a friend of mine this afternoon, she is currently working in London. She invited me to come and visit her. I have some vacation left that I have to use in the next five weeks or I lose it.... Great, you would think! Not me, the first thought that came to mind was: "How on earth am I going to lose weight before then?".

So is that what is going to make my decision for me? Am I going to let my bad habits ruin my life, control me, prevent me from living, prevent me from doing what I always wanted to do?

Am I the only person in the world that is struggling with this? A silent struggle that only I know about? Talking to my blog because at least it feels like I am talking with someone..... I think that most of the time I am ignoring people because I am embarrassed - I don't want people to see me like this. I have so many excuses.... I am letting life pass me by....

I have done crazy things.... I called a Weight-loss Surgery Center - I told them what I need to do if I wanted help.... The first thing they asked me was whether I was more than a 100 pounds overweight.... I said, heck no..... They said that only help people that are more than a 100 pounds overweight.

I wanted to sign up for The Biggest Loser, the new season recruiting has not yet started. They too want you to be more than a 80 pounds overweight.

So, let me see - I have to eat twice as much - until I am more than 100 pounds overweight before someone will help me... Even then I have no guarantee that I will be helped. There is no show that helps people that are obese but not morbidly obese.

So, who is going to help me? Last year we had an extremely bad year. I started talking to God and you know what, he listened. He helped me. When all hope was lost I prayed and God answered my prayers. I have never experienced anything like that before. Some days were really bad but the days that I had no doubts what-so-ever, God answered my prayers.

I read my bible every day. I pray every day. I go through the motions but I do it because I feel guilty. I ignore "God" also because I don't want him to see me. Truth be told, He sees me when I am good, He sees me when I am bad, He is just waiting for me to say the word, He is waiting for me to hold out my hand, to reach for Him. He sees me the way I am and He still loves me the same - fat or thin.

God sends help in all different ways. It might be a person that crosses your path, it might be an advertisement on TV, it might be an email that you receive. If you look closely you will get the message. If you are quiet, you will hear the message, the one that was meant just for you.

Overeating also needs a twelve step program - it is no different than any other addiction. So tonight I pray this:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him; Forever in the next.

Amen.

2013-02-20 - Day 1

Have you ever felt like you are falling into an endless pit? Is your thin twin struggling to get out from under all the layers of fat covering it? Have you tried diet after diet after diet and every night went the house is quiet and everyone is asleep you start your binge... Everything you can lay your hands on.... or for that matter, sink you teeth into... You don't have to be hungry or even like what you eat, you just HAVE to eat....

When I am happy I want to celebrate, I eat.....
When I am sad, I eat.....
When I look in the mirror and I feel disgusted with myself, I eat.....
When I fight with my husband, I eat.....
When I have a problem at work, I eat.....

I don't want to go out because I don't want people to see how fat I am.....
I don't want to talk to anyone.....
I don't want to see anyone.....
And the more I ignore all the people in my life the more I eat...

I blame bad things that happen in my life for being fat.... I have gotten myself in such a rut that I have no idea how I am ever going to get out of it....

Is this any different that being addicted to alcohol or drugs or gambling? I am killing myself one bite at a time. Obesity is more obvious that the others because people see what you are doing to yourself.... Everyone tells you what you should or should not do so in the end you are all alone.... Only the few die-hard friends remain.... The rest really don't care enough to stick around....

Well, TODAY is the day to change..... Now, right this moment!!! I have no idea how this will work.... Like I said before, I have tried every diet in the book and I know exactly what I need to do but how am I going do it or stick with it I have absolutely no idea...

Writing in my "journal" has gotten me through another very tough time in my life so I am going to try talking to myself every night - the time that I would normally spend thinking of what else I can eat....

I don't need advice, I don't need books, I don't need diets.... I need to find discipline in my life and I need to fight to get back the willpower that I lost somewhere along the way, when I looked away and let life happen.

The first thing that I have to admit to myself is:

THIS IS MY FAULT, NOT MY HUSBAND's FOR BEING ABLE TO EAT WHAT HE WANTS, NOT THE PEOPLE CLOSE TO ME THAT DIED, NOT THE FACT THAT I TRAVEL FOR A LIVING, NOT THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO SOMETIMES COOK FOR OTHER PEOPLE, NOT THE PEOPLE THAT LET ME DOWN..... IT IS ALL JUST ME....

With prayer and perseverance I am going to conquer this mountain - one step at a time!!